Addiction

You live in a fog
It surrounds you
Engulfing you in a dense heavy mist
The fog veils your eyes
Blinding you
Keeping you from seeing the hurt
and destruction you have caused
Never seeing what's in front of you
you stumble your way through life
The fog fills your mind
Slowly it eats away at your brain
clouding your thinking
making it difficult for you to
distinguish reality from the imagined
The fog fills your ears
causing you to be deaf to the words
of love and concern
You think the fog is your friend
a comforting companion
But it's not
The fog whispers enticingly to you
telling you what you want to hear
It tells you lies but you believe them
to be truths
The fog seeps inside you
taking control of your very being
Attacking your heart and soul
The fog paralyzes you
Keeping you from feeling
You are numb to love
The fog leaves you empty and cold
People care and try to help but you
prefer the fog and what it has to offer
NOTHING
The fog eats away at your insides
making them raw and sore
They bleed and you vomit up the blood
The fog tells you not to be concerned
It's nothing,really
You believe the fog once again
and embrace it even more
The fog swallows you whole
spitting out the broken peces of
you life for all to see
Except for you
You are no longer here
You cease to exist

The Essence

The essence of my being
is found deep within by soul.
Not many truly know me
for few have cared to go.
But for those who took that journey
and traveled to that place
they may be surprised to realize
a truthfulness in that space.
A truth that was born from
a dark and hurtful past.
The depression and the anger
I thought would ever last.
A past that needed to be
scrutinized and anallyzed
for the truth to grow.
So I struggled and I fought for
the truth of the soul.

Son

You were my first born
Seven years senior to your sister
You were loved at your conception
I watched you grow that summer
my belly swelled with your added weight
Fall came along
and so did you
Sky blue eyes
fluff of brown down for hair
You could not have been more loved
Time flew by
a cuddly little toddler you became
You loved the closeness of being held
and song sung and stories told
Being the first is not easy
I learned what to do day by day
doing things I know now
were wrong
Things that can't be changed
or taken back
For this I am sorry
A grown man
A wife to loved
A wife who loves you
Thankfulness and love
fills my heart and soul.

Into the Dark

Sometimes my mind reaches deep inside
and grabs my heart and soul.
It takes me on a journey
that I would rather not go.
The roads that I travel
have many twist and turns.
The menories can't be erased
they are forever burned.
The things I see with my eyes
tightly closed shut.
Are visions of me frightened and small
just trying to grow up.
A father who was drunk and mean
someone to be feared.
He would say "to raise a child
she must hate the father."
These words always bought me to tears.
My mother was a woman
with many a different face.
With guilt and shame she would hold
tight my reins and keep me in my place.
She always seemed a victim
to weak and injured to get out.
But underneath this false facade there
never was a doubt.
The lessons that I learned
are valuable to me.
They tought me as a parent
what not to be,

Things that I wait for

for a grandchild
for the kids to come home for Christmans
for Christmans
my sister to stop drinking
for Melissa to release a new cd
for Melissa to go on tour
for us to go on a tour package to see Melissa
for my hair to grow
for me to reach my goal weight
for world peace
for me to start my bass lessons
for spring(hate winter)
for gays to be able to marry
for the price of gas to go down
for payday
for my trip to Terri's
for hell to freeze over because that's when I think my hair will go, my sister will stop drinking, gays will be able to marry, there will be world peace and I will have a grandchild

Daughter

You were wanted.
You were planned.
I could not wait for your arrival.
You came into this world on your schedule.
8 pounds 3oz of energy.
Huge brown eyes
looking around in confusion
blinking, blinking.
What must have been going through you mind?
I watched you grow in amazement
Marveling at your resilience.
Determined to do things your own way
marching to your own drummer.
Now grown all of 30
Still watching you grow
marverling at your achievements.
I could not be more proud.
More pleased.
I am truly blessed.

Christmas

This time of year brings mixed emotions for me. I feel the joy, happiness and excitement that family gatherings bring and a heavy sadness because one very special person will be absent. This person was not a family member but someone who was close to us, close to my daughter and I. I wonder if he knew how special he was. He was young when he chose to leave us, only 20 years old. He had long blond hair and a smile that could melt your heart. He had a sense of humor that could make you laugh out loud. He wasn't judgmental. He accepted my daughter for who she was and didn't judge her for being gay. He had a child likeness about him. He loved the Muppets and Kermit was his favorite. He had Kermit tattooed over his heart. He would call me "ma" when calling the house. "Hi ma, is Rachel there?" I miss his voice. It's been 10 years but the loss still hits me in the pit of my stomach. I never told him how special he was or how much he was loved. I only hope that he knew.