Hard Work + Understanding = Insight

Dysfunction has been with me
since my birth.
Fed to me in my baby bottle.
As I grew,
it helped me to misjudge
my self worth.
It was taught to me
along with my ABC's
Math and Reading.
Creating in me insecurities
that would be misleading.
Dysfunction took the place
of a fathers love.
An "I love you" from him
was unheard of.
My father seldom spoke to me,
only to give an order or to complain.
I didn't feel any love for him.
Just hate and fear,
it was ingrained.
My father worked days .
My mother worked nights.
Not having them together
cut down on week night fights.
My mother ruled our domain with
guilt and manipulation.
Looking at my family,
you can see we didn't have
a sound foundation.
Drinking on the weekends
fueled the alcohol induced fights.
The yelling, screaming, and swearing
went well into the night.
It was the same old thing on Saturday nights,
with my dad smashing, throwing and
breaking our things,
it added anxiety to my fright.
Looking back on my life
sometimes I wonder how I survived.
Surrounded by all this abuse and dysfunction,
it was hard to keep my soul alive.
Alive it was.
Hidden in a special place.
Just waiting for a time
when my abuse and dysfunction
I could face.
I now walk in my truth.
I now stand in the light.
With hard work comes understanding
which leads to insight.

And

I am not looking forward
to the time we have to say good-bye.
You have been there to help
keep my soul alive.
You have been there to listen
and to help guide.
Assisting me to see things
from another side.
It is time for you to move on and
find your place.
Helping many others in our human race.

I will miss you.

Wait Just Sit and Wait Part II

The bone marrow biopsy is back.
All seems to be fine.
No leukemia or myeloma cells.
Those results help to ease my
mind.
The liver biopsy is still out
so we don't have that result.
Her doctor sent them to
the Mayo Clinic for other
doctors to consult.
She is till running a
temperature at night.
The doctor has ask her
to keep a journal.
She is "my little Terri girl"
I can't help but feel maternal.
All this waiting and waiting
really wears on my nerves.
I know that I can be testy
and this my honey doesn't
deserve.
I wish this was all over
and everything turns out
all right.
But the story is
that we have to wait
so I guess we'll just sit tight.

Wait, Just Sit And Wait

Wait, just wait.

My heart is breaking.
I can't see through my tears.
Just waiting for an answer
to alleviate my fears.

Wait, just wait.

I was told not to
think about it.
Find things to keep
my mind occupied.
But my thoughts and
my feelings keep returning.
My sadness can't subside

Wait, just wait

I want her to be
living near me.
Not the distance that
we now share.
I want to be able
to put my arms around her.
To show her that I care.

Wait, just wait

If she has to have treatments.
If they make her feel very weak.
I will hold her close
and let her know
that she can rest.
She doesn't need to speak.

Wait, just wait

I will stay close by her side.
I will be her strength.
I love her so much.
I will go to any length.

Wait, just wait

If her body can't take any
more and it is time for
her spirit to take
it's leave.
Even though my heart
will be breaking
I will hold her.
When she is gone
then I'll grieve.

My Companion

I have an evil entity
that is with me
every minute
of every day.
It moved inside my
body and caused
trouble straight away.
I call this evil entity
my companion.
I have even given it a
name.
My evil entity
my companion
goes by the name of
pain.
Pain has been with
me ever since 1993
or was it 1994.
I really had no idea
what this evil entity
had in store.
In the beginning
pain was very hard
to explain.
It seemed to move
around my body.
Driving me insane.
My hands and my feet
is where I first
noticed Pain.
Little did I know then
that my companion
had just started it's
reign.
My shoulders and my hips
have chronic soreness
and irritation.
Pain won't leave me alone
much to my frustration.
Pain can make me feel
tired and it can
even make me
feel depressed.
I even get a little
angry at Pain.
At this I do confess.
Pain is something
that I must live with.
It doesn't do any
good to complain.
Why give any satisfaction
to my evil companion
who I have named
Pain.